Jam'n 94.5 Summer Jam 2010

Yeah, just know my condo is the crack spot
Every single show she out there reppin' like a mascot
Get it from the back and make your fucking bra strap pop
All up in yo slot until the nigga hit the jackpot
• DRAKE “Best I Ever Had”

I had the most WONDERFUL opportunity to attend Jamn 94.5’s SUMMER JAM 2010 yesterday, and it was an event I won’t soon forget.

My experience with SUMMER JAM (and 94.5 to be exact) is minimal at best, even though I still remember when the station first debuted in the early 90s. I did attend SUMMER JAM 2002 at the behest of a woman some years my senior who copped the tix for me (JA RULE was the headliner then).

This year we’re treated to such captivating, incredible, truly-gifted and talented artists like Kevin Rudolf, Taio Cruz and Sam Adams (not the beer). My hands are shaking with anticipation.

I rolled with my little cuz (age 17) as this kind of stuff is more his age bracket than mine (these people consider LUDACRIS “old school”… sheesh). We got to the event, steamrolled through the crowds into our own private supreme parking spot and were ushered right into to our VIP seats. I’m an all-star baby, that’s how I roll. Concert was at the Comcast Center in Mansfield, I was here as recently as last summer for ROCK the BELLS 2009.

Parking is $40.
Drake T-Shirts are $35.
Beers are $9 a bottle.
The tiny little $2 cans of Red Bull are selling for $7.50.

"Do you like school?
NOOOOOO!!!!"

Thankfully my cuz is a MUCH cheaper date than my wife ever would be, so that was much appreciated on my behalf. I think I spent $12 total on a tiny-ass hotdog and a cup with ice (and a little Pepsi). The facility was absolutely swarmed by the 94.5 targeted demographic IE: underaged girls attempting to dress provocatively, lame white-boy poseurs and fat chicks with tight dresses. Had to be about 70%/30% female to male ratio. I think I was the oldest person in the entire building (except for LUDACRIS. And BABY. Definitely BABY).

I was forced into a public humiliation by the Navy who pulled me out of the fairway as we made our way around the center, and demanded I do some chin-ups (of which I hit three). They gave me a free pair of sunglasses though!!! Join the Navy now!!! On to the show.

Cambridge white boy SAM ADAMS (direct descendent of former US president JOHN QUINCY ADAMS, so you know he’s got street cred) hit the stage first as the place was still filling up with fans. He did his little white boy schtick, kicked a few of the beach balls back into the crowd and did his WONDERFULLY creative interpretation of ASHER ROTH’s “I Love College” song (cleverly titled “I Hate College”). Come to find out later, NICKI MINAJ would NEVER date a guy like SAM ADAMS. You’ll see why.

KEVIN RUDOLF hit the stage next with his guitar for another 15 minute set. It’s a celebration of Cash Money tonight, and RUDOLF did his “Let It Rock” (sans LIL WAYNE who is currently incarcerated) and “I Made It” singles (which I recognized as the theme song for this year’s WRESTLEMANIA). Short, inoffensive and he got the crowd singing along.

Fat Mellissa from the morning show made an appearance and of course she was flanked by a giant donut. DJ PUP DOG was offering free mix cds while supplies last (if you buy a $35 DRAKE t-shirt first) and CLINTON SPARKS had his own set, rapping and jigging it up on stage while celebrating his signing with Interscope Records (which the crowd could have gave a shit less about). He breezed through a quick set too and I started to have faith that this might not be as bad after all, if they keep getting off the stage this fast.

Fat Melissa from the Morning Show with a donut


The female crowd was absolutely ballistic for NICKI MINAJ, more so than any other act I believe. Every time the hosts shouted her out she got the loudest (shrillest) ovation. When she finally hit the stage you would have thought it was the grand finale. She did her little thing, it was fine. She took 3 minutes to sign a bunch of boobs in the front row. Literally, she was signing girls’ cleavages. She then announced she was looking for the flyest guy in the building to bring on stage and give a lap dance. All 23 guys in the audience started raising their hands but she grabbed an 11 year old boy out of the first row and brought him on stage (!!!!!) She asked his name and age (he was 11) and asked if he liked school. He said “no” to a huge pop. But NICKI doubled back and said “any boyfriend of mine is going to love school, ok?” Honestly I thought this was actually a really cool gesture on her behalf and the crowd didn’t even turn on it. So see, SAM ADAMS??? You’ll NEVER have a chance with NICKI MINAJ if you keep singing “I Hate College”!!! Smarten up, young man!!!

B.O.B. did a little set hitting all his high notes and bringing out LUPE FIASCO for their duet. This was the personal highlight of my night, even if the crowd sat on their hands for my boy LUPE. “Airplanes” was cool though.

They took a brief intermission, and shortly thereafter without warning DRAKE hit the stage to an absolute THUNDEROUS ovation. For some reason, every other word out of DRAKE’s mouth was “FUCK” making him absolutely hardcore and not at all a soft Canadian actor. His act was NOT brief by any stretch of the imagination. Must have been at least 45 minutes long. He fuckin did all his fuckin songs and fuckin shouted out fuckin Lil fuckin Wayne a bunch of motherfuckin times. I just can’t believe how much love this kid gets from Americans. Don’t you know he’s CANADIAN? Didn’t pro wrestling teach you anything??? Speaking of pro wrestling, I’ve heard enough from MICK FOLEY to understand the art of the “cheap pop” and boy is DRAKE the master. “Boston” this and “motherfuckin Boston” that. I’m looking for love in Boston. Can a Boston girl be the one for me? Boston? Boston? Boston? YAAAAAAAY scream the sycophants in the audience. This segues beautifully into “Best I Ever Had” which climaxed with “Drizzy DRAKE” bringing that SAME 11 year old boy from the crowd BACK onto the stage while he chanted “best I fuckin had best I fuckin had”. He brought out BABY for a guest appearence and dude looks SO LAME with 5 huge red stars tattooed on his cranium. Even one directly on the top of his head like a helicopter landing pad!!! NICKI MINAJ came out again during his set for their duet, and there was a madd awkward part where DRAKE tried to position himself behind her and simulate grinding on her huge ass but she ran away from that quickly and he just rolled his eyes and went to the opposite end of the stage. What can I say, she likes pussy better? Then you would think DRAKE would be RIGHT up her alley. DRAKE shouted out LIL WAYNE again and mercifully his set was over. Fuckin.

Drizzy-DRAKE does it North of the border style

During a few lulls in the intermissions, a fight or two broke out on the grass. But there were no guns or knives. Pussy so-called “rap” fans. And the smell of marijuana was only occasional, not pervasive like at ROCK THE BELLS.

But the worst was yet to come. TREY SONGZ. Wow. His set took forever and catered EXCLUSIVELEY to the female crowd, much like most of the other acts. But it was so blatant I felt like we shouldn’t even be there. He was so off-key and melodramatic and absolutely CHEESY. With the big screen showing all his sexy still photos and steamy kissing scenes while the girls in the crowd screamed long into the night. He had ridiculously exaggerated lighting and video montages that just screamed “I am so sexy!” There was even a big-ass spotlight behind him shining INTO the audience that made watching the stage like trying to look into the sun. But wait! Navy sunglasses to the rescue!!! Now the screaming bimbos around us can’t see me dozing off. The whole “slowly take my shirt off in the most seductive manner possible while little girls cheer me on” routine was EXCRUCIATING. And then melodramatically wiping the sweat off his chest while looking like he’s gonna drop his pants, and pandering to the audience to see in which direction he should throw the shirt. And he did it TWICE! Once for the shirt, and again later for the tanktop underneath it. He then brought some bitch on stage, poured water in her mouth from behind and licked the spillage of her neck. SO SEXY. Drizzy DRAKE reemerged again and the two pretty boys divided the crowd up and competed amongst themselves to see who could say the LAMEST, corniest, pick-up lines and get cheered the loudest (“anything he can do with his hands I can do…. With my tongue…” YAAAAAY!!!!) The BEST part of the TREY SONGZ set was when my cousin noticed a digital clock on the side of the stage counting down the minutes of the set. So the next 6 minutes and 42 seconds became an agonizing countdown until he finally left the stage.

OMG TREY SONGZ IZZZ SOOOO HAWT!!!! 224!!!


After his set people started leaving, and RAMIRO and PEBBLES made their customary 15 second appearance by introducing LUDA. He did his thing and finally one set appealed directly to me as a fan. He did all his radio hits, even commented on his 10 year anniversary in the music business (to put it in perspective – my cousin was 7 years old when LUDA debuted). His set was the best, even though for half of the crowd the show was over when TREY SONGZ left the stage.

In conclusion I’m thankful for the free ride, and I’m grateful I got to bring my cuz to his first rap concert. But GODDAMN was it painful in almost every aspect. Being a 30 year old male I was NOT welcome there, I almost felt like I was intruding. To top it all off, on the way home I was bumping brand new WU MASSACRE and DISTANT RELATIVES shit for my cuz and he asked me if I “had anything newer”. Wow. Kids these days…